Here I sit in a coffee shop, typing away on my laptop, blogging for the first time in what seems forever while I wait for my van to be serviced. It could be hours. Do I care? Not really. I just bought myself a laptop, my first personal computer ever. While I used the excuse that my hubby will be taking his laptop on an extended work related absence, truthfully this is something I've dreamt about, hemmed and hawed over for quite sometime. What's the big deal? Well personally I made a goal to be a "blogger". It hasn't really happened yet. Sure I have blogged twice in almost a year but that wasn't what I had in mind when I planned on officially "blogging". Truth is I find so many darn excuses to NOT blog it's pathetic. I've even had my 12 year old daughter pestering me over the past few months, asking when I will blog again. "I don't know!" is my typical response. In my head I'm actually debating with myself, why did I say I was going to start blogging anyway?? Now I have my little people holding me accountable, yippee. Yeah, not so much. Back to the laptop. Now I have a reason to blog, a new shiny thing, what better way to test it out than to BLOG?
To blog or not to blog, that is the question. When I originally started this thing up my idea was to just put my thoughts done and share them with whoever wanted to listen, obviously my idea hasn't quite taken flight yet. Ideally I need a place to put my thoughts, prayers and ramblings down. It's great to have a place to come back and pour back over these bits and pieces of my heart and life. I can look back and see where my God has been faithful even when I am not. I can see His hand in and through these so called ramblings and see His unconditional love weaved in and out. Remembering is not only therapeutic, it's biblical. The Israelites set up markers along their journey from Exodus to the promised land to have a place to look back on and tell their children what God had done and how He had redeemed and rescued them. Then there's the Psalms, where remembering is displayed in poetry, music and cries of distress. I am by nature a passionate woman. I laugh loud, I cry often, I pour out my heart like it's water. I love hard, I hurt deep. When I don't put down tangibly, whether on paper or text, what is boiling up in my heart, I feel I do it an injustice. God has made me a feeling, moving, expressive image of Him. His Word, time and time again, pours out life, love, creative expression and healing. As His creation, I need to let out what He's put in there. It doesn't need to be perfect, orderly or even publish worthy. I just need to put these ramblings, heart cries, thoughts down so they can be revisited and remembered.
For almost a year now I've been having recurring dreams that I am pregnant. For almost a year I have struggled with the desire to have one more child. Jose and I both prayerfully agreed that our little family of 7 was complete when our fifth child was born. So why this longing, this dreaming of being pregnant? Well, hmm, Jami why don't you ask your Father what that's about? This is what I've got bouncing around in my head and piercing my heart right now. I am pregnant with something. What is it? It's not a physical child, but it is something. Abba is growing something in me. Something precious that needs to be nurtured in my heart, a safe place, until it is time for it to be brought forth. When I sit and go through the possibilities of what my Abba could possibly want to grow in me there's two things that come to mind. And if I'm totally honest I've felt that there are "spiritual" twins being knitted together and formed in my innermost parts. There is a spirit of joy growing inside me. I am not talking about circumstantial happiness. I am talking about joy that surpasses ALL understanding. Joy that brings abundant, overflowing life. Joy that deifies all logic, all depression, all sickness, all hurts inflicted by others, all financial insecurities, all future unknowns. I love imagining it twisting and turning in my heart as Abba continues to knit it together carefully and intentionally until it's ready to be born. Joy's spiritual twin is BELIEF. Belief in the love my heavenly Father has for me. For most of my adult life I knew in my mind God loves me. The knowledge never quite made it down to my heart. Personally I equated His love to my works. I had to earn it. Several years ago I asked the Lord to help my unbelief. I asked for Him to help me not only know He loved me but to BELIEVE it deep down in my heart, my innermost parts, where it would take root and transform my life, change my outlook on everything and become the lense that I would filter everything through. These "spiritual" twins are being nurtured and formed and my heart swells at the thought of their impending birth.
See, just typing this out and rereading it has quickened my spirit and brought joy to my soul. Thinking these thoughts only causes them to take flight, but when I choose to put these ramblings down, I can go back and chew on them, meditate on them and hold them like a precious gift given to me by my sweet Lord. Well I hope and pray my wandering but raw thoughts have encouraged someone out there. May our Father's love soak down deep in to your soul, fill the cracks, and seep under closed doors where we hide our dark secret hurts and shame. May His unfailing and unconditional love for us wreck us completely from the inside out. Time to refill my coffee!
