Happy 17th Anniversary, Jose!

  Today marks 17 years that we have been married. It’s insane to consider that in only 3 years we will have been married 20. I wish I could say it’s been perfect and without trial, sorrow or pain, but we both know that would be deceptive. No, our marriage has been richly colored with the strokes of compromise, sacrifice, brokenness, hurt, disappointment, anger, shattered trust, and unfulfilled dreams. I truly believe, however, the canvas of our marriage would be a colorless and lifeless masterpiece without all those things. When we first married, we naively rushed in, thinking marriage would make us happier than we had ever been, more fulfilled and satisfied than we could have hoped. In truth marriage has been harder, more challenging, at times with intense periods of suffering and silence as well as multiple, drawn out separations. To some our marriage would seem pointless, not worth pursuing or even hopeless if they truly knew our hardest and darkest moments. But Jose, you and I know the honest truth. It is only because of all that we have been through, all that we have endured, all that we have had to forgive each other of and the slow and painful process of rebuilding trust, re-establishing reconciliation and restoration, that our marriage is what it is today, 17 hard earned years later. Our marriage is not a fairy tale. We haven’t always been able to find our happy ending at the end of a long, silent and hurtful day. We have hurt each other in ways that no one else can. We have said and done things that we can never take back.  How is it then that we can even be here on this day celebrating our 17^th anniversary, another one separated by miles and oceans too? We both know the answer. There can only ever be one answer for a marriage like ours to not only survive all of the storms we have weathered, but thrive in them. The answer is Jesus. How sweet and good it has been to watch Him work miracles in our marriage day after day and year after year. He alone has been our source of hope, joy and peace both as individuals when we were not functioning as one and as a couple. His grace continues to infuse us with everything we need to forgive time and time again, step towards one another after hurt time and time again, reach out and be reconciled over and over, and pull each other up and out of our despair. I think I can honestly say to you, Jose, without the blood of Jesus Christ in our marriage, we would no longer BE married. My deepest hope and desire for our marriage is that this amazing, rich and colorful masterpiece that God has created will be a source of light, hope and encouragement to other marriages for the rest of our lives. May we continue to partner together with a Kingdom mentality. That means both of us walking side by side with the knowledge that this life was given to us for the purpose of glorifying God and enjoying Him forever. May we do that well Jose and may we BOTH hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I love you baby. Through thick and thin, to hell and back, our marriage has endured and only by the grace of God will it continue to do so. Here’s to the next 50 years together, Jose!

Goodnight

I should be asleep, head on my pillow softly breathing. I need that recharge. The littles don’t know when I haven’t had enough sleep at night to pause before entering my room bright and early seeking me out. How would they know that while they slept peacefully I struggled through the night with too many thoughts, tears, and the dreaded self-pity party? I suppose I could chalk it up to hormones, a busy day or too much caffeine. But whatever the cause I find myself now typing away madly, hoping to catalog my woes and leave them here so I can crawl back into bed and close my eyes and sleep. There’s no one here except me, these thoughts, and Jesus. Yes, Jesus you are enough and all I need for every moment both good and bad. You made me to be an intricate, emotional and wordy individual though. So here I sit at 1am plunking away at this laptop. Random thoughts seem random. For me, right now, on this dark night, as I type by the light of my keyboard, I feel the relief oozing in. What am I even typing about? I don’t really know, don’t care. I just feel better getting it out. Being thankful works miracles for a downtrodden soul.

I’m thankful for healthy babies.

I’m thankful for smiles on their faces.

For hugs and giggles

For loud voices outside in the cul-de-sac

For a busy, productive day

For friends far and close

For my hubby’s face on my phone

For songs that seem to know me

For a whispered “I love you Mommy.”

For peace in my heart

For peace in my home

For eyes that have stopped leaking

For pillows to catch my tears

For good morning messages left by my baby

For this, words on paper, thoughts bled out, self-pity sneaking out my door, peace settling on my spirit and my bed calling me back to its warmth.

Goodnight.

Words

       Well hello my old but new friend, my blog. I know it's been awhile. I know I committed to reach out to you at least once a month. I'm sorry. I could list a litany of excuses to justify why my efforts have been sorely lacking. Truthfully I feel like we shouldn't meet up unless I have something AMAZING to share with you. I get lost in all the other phenomenal blogs out there and easily fall prey to comparing and falling short of their quality, skill and finesse. I mean, let's be honest, I am no gifted writer. I am but a humble girl, looking to put my thoughts down on paper. I use to fill journal after journal with all the tidbits, dreams, prayers and random thoughts floating around in my head and heart. Sadly now my writing ability with a pen is almost nonexistent. I started this blog to pick that old hobby back up. I intended to dust it off and pick up right where I left off in my last leather bound journal. Nope. Dropped that one real quick. Typing my random thoughts on a laptop almost seems cheap and not as artistic. I love watching the ink spill onto the paper, I like seeing pages filled, and stacks of various journals. However, not blogging is only adding to my misery. My thoughts fill me up like water sometimes that needs to be poured out. When I don't intentionally let them seep out whether on paper or here on this laptop, they start to turn stagnant. There's nothing fresh that can be poured in if that makes any sense. 

       So my neglected friend, my fledgling blog . . . I am going to make a commitment to you. I promise to spend some more quality time with you. Especially with my beloved off in another country doing that amazing thing he does, serving selflessly. 
        I miss that man something fierce. Whew. Now there's a place I can pour out all my random wonderings and he so patiently sits there and sifts through them all, pulling out the treasures and setting aside the nonsense. That man, over the past 19 years of loving me, has become a skilled listener, a tenderhearted ear for me to whisper my most precious secrets too. He holds my heart securely in his unconditional love. He wipes my tears. He holds my hand. He gives me his undivided attention. I'm crying now just thinking of all he is to me and all he does for me. Sweet Jesus, what a gift you've given me in this husband. This man, my beloved, helped birth this newborn blog before he left us. He tells me time and time again my words are powerful. He tells me my words encourage his spirit to get back up and stay the path one more day. 

The tongue can bring death or life Proverbs 18:21

The very next verse blows me away. Is it possible that simply by speaking words of encouragement over my beloved that I am bringing favor into his life, and blessing him?

The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,

    and he receives favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

      Whenever I blog, good stuff happens. It's a letting of my soul. Almost like a seeping a wound. Stuff leaks out and immediately I'm feeling relief. It amazes me sometimes when I just force myself to sit and type, not even knowing what to type, out it flows. Before I know it I'm typing faster and faster until my fingers can barely keep up with thoughts pouring out.

Let's be honest blog, this is therapeutic for me, isn't it? I'm an old soul. I need to write down my inner voice. The voice that should speak up and out loud more. But that's another blog, for another day.

THIS IS WAR

      My hubby is the soldier, he’s the one out there even now working with others to defend, protect and strengthen. I don’t give myself enough credit. I am a soldier too, on the front lines in fact, fighting an enemy that strives to steal, kill and destroy everything good thing in my life and those of my loved ones.

        As a busy mama, a single one right now, I often get lost in the nitty gritty of dealing with all that gets thrown at me from a hundred different directions. I tune out the reality of the spiritual world I live in and instead point my finger and blame a myriad of things- germs, the weather, my hubby’s absence, my neighbors, my emotions, the list goes on. Meanwhile the craziness continues and I become overly exhausted, frustrated, angry, bitter and disheartened. This lofty goal I made to THRIVE and not just survive this coming year has so far yet to make an appearance!

      I forgot a vital piece of truth, a life sustaining, enemy shattering, victory making, joy-releasing truth. Thriving will come at a cost. If I want to see its fruit in my life and the lives of my family members, and even my community, I have a significant role to play. Thriving can only truly come through the powerful act of prayer and fighting for it. Like my picture of a bloodied warrior and her sword, I have to have a soldier mentality in my home, in my heart, in my marriage, in my neighborhood! Everywhere I walk, I will take ownership of that spiritual atmosphere and declare WAR with the enemy of my soul!

     So this is just a marker for me. I am drawing the line. This far and no more, Enemy. You will have no more power over me and my family, my hubby, my home or my neighborhood! You’ve messed with the wrong prayer warrior, with the wrong worshiper. I know you’re already defeated, HA! From here on I am taking responsibility for the atmosphere of my heart and everywhere I go in the name of your defeater JESUS CHRIST. THIS IS WAR. 

Sending My Soldier Off

Today Jose came home from work and informed me that rather than leaving for Europe next week he’ll be leaving much sooner, in less than two days. Yes, we knew it was coming. One last weekend was taken away. I don’t think it’s the weekend so much that upsets us. It’s the fact that it’s right in front of us now, like going into labor early and you haven’t packed your bag for the hospital.  We are kind of scrambling, giving each other those long, sad-eyed looks over the kids’ heads, hugging each other a little longer and tighter than we were just yesterday. You’d think we were pros by now, I mean this will be Jose’s 4^th tour away from us. If you add up all the tours and months of training in between we will have endured almost 5 years of separation in the 16 years of our marriage. To some that’s a lot, to others, hardly nothing. For us? Too much. Too much time apart, too many missed birthdays, too many nights alone, too many tears shed, too many “suck it up and drive on” moments. Too many, too much, enough. As hard as yet another good bye is, I refuse to wallow in misery and walk around in a depressed fog until Jose comes back home. My goal this year, this separation, is to THRIVE not just survive. I want to live in the moment, be present each and every day and not waste a single ounce of joy or laughter on worrying about tomorrow. I want my children to thrive as well. I want Jose to thrive even as he lives away from us for another long tour. How is that even possible?? There is one source and one source only, Jesus Christ. All else is but an empty promise of hope fulfilled, happiness or joy. Thriving will come by abiding in Jesus. He is my first love, my soul’s delight, my heart’s content, my spirit’s strength.  So as I send my lover, my best friend, my husband off yet again to serve his country, do his duty, I will stand tall, head held high. I will cry but I will not despair. I will miss him but I will not shut down and stop living. I will live life to the fullest and bring my children along for the adventure. We will suck every drop of joy and laughter out of every possible moment. We will waste no opportunity to dance, laugh loudly, sing our hearts out, throw open the windows of our souls and let the fresh wind of the Spirit of His presence blow through. May His Spirit fill every pore of my being, ooze out and permeate the atmosphere wherever I go. I send you off Jose with a tear in my eye, a hole in my heart and expectation in my spirit. We both have a journey to walk out this coming year, may the Lord amaze us both at His presence in our lives. May we both live intentional lives, with purpose. I’ll see you on the other side baby. Be safe, stay strong. I’ve got the kids covered. We’ve got this. Just come home to me.