Goodnight

I should be asleep, head on my pillow softly breathing. I need that recharge. The littles don’t know when I haven’t had enough sleep at night to pause before entering my room bright and early seeking me out. How would they know that while they slept peacefully I struggled through the night with too many thoughts, tears, and the dreaded self-pity party? I suppose I could chalk it up to hormones, a busy day or too much caffeine. But whatever the cause I find myself now typing away madly, hoping to catalog my woes and leave them here so I can crawl back into bed and close my eyes and sleep. There’s no one here except me, these thoughts, and Jesus. Yes, Jesus you are enough and all I need for every moment both good and bad. You made me to be an intricate, emotional and wordy individual though. So here I sit at 1am plunking away at this laptop. Random thoughts seem random. For me, right now, on this dark night, as I type by the light of my keyboard, I feel the relief oozing in. What am I even typing about? I don’t really know, don’t care. I just feel better getting it out. Being thankful works miracles for a downtrodden soul.

I’m thankful for healthy babies.

I’m thankful for smiles on their faces.

For hugs and giggles

For loud voices outside in the cul-de-sac

For a busy, productive day

For friends far and close

For my hubby’s face on my phone

For songs that seem to know me

For a whispered “I love you Mommy.”

For peace in my heart

For peace in my home

For eyes that have stopped leaking

For pillows to catch my tears

For good morning messages left by my baby

For this, words on paper, thoughts bled out, self-pity sneaking out my door, peace settling on my spirit and my bed calling me back to its warmth.

Goodnight.

Words

       Well hello my old but new friend, my blog. I know it's been awhile. I know I committed to reach out to you at least once a month. I'm sorry. I could list a litany of excuses to justify why my efforts have been sorely lacking. Truthfully I feel like we shouldn't meet up unless I have something AMAZING to share with you. I get lost in all the other phenomenal blogs out there and easily fall prey to comparing and falling short of their quality, skill and finesse. I mean, let's be honest, I am no gifted writer. I am but a humble girl, looking to put my thoughts down on paper. I use to fill journal after journal with all the tidbits, dreams, prayers and random thoughts floating around in my head and heart. Sadly now my writing ability with a pen is almost nonexistent. I started this blog to pick that old hobby back up. I intended to dust it off and pick up right where I left off in my last leather bound journal. Nope. Dropped that one real quick. Typing my random thoughts on a laptop almost seems cheap and not as artistic. I love watching the ink spill onto the paper, I like seeing pages filled, and stacks of various journals. However, not blogging is only adding to my misery. My thoughts fill me up like water sometimes that needs to be poured out. When I don't intentionally let them seep out whether on paper or here on this laptop, they start to turn stagnant. There's nothing fresh that can be poured in if that makes any sense. 

       So my neglected friend, my fledgling blog . . . I am going to make a commitment to you. I promise to spend some more quality time with you. Especially with my beloved off in another country doing that amazing thing he does, serving selflessly. 
        I miss that man something fierce. Whew. Now there's a place I can pour out all my random wonderings and he so patiently sits there and sifts through them all, pulling out the treasures and setting aside the nonsense. That man, over the past 19 years of loving me, has become a skilled listener, a tenderhearted ear for me to whisper my most precious secrets too. He holds my heart securely in his unconditional love. He wipes my tears. He holds my hand. He gives me his undivided attention. I'm crying now just thinking of all he is to me and all he does for me. Sweet Jesus, what a gift you've given me in this husband. This man, my beloved, helped birth this newborn blog before he left us. He tells me time and time again my words are powerful. He tells me my words encourage his spirit to get back up and stay the path one more day. 

The tongue can bring death or life Proverbs 18:21

The very next verse blows me away. Is it possible that simply by speaking words of encouragement over my beloved that I am bringing favor into his life, and blessing him?

The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,

    and he receives favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

      Whenever I blog, good stuff happens. It's a letting of my soul. Almost like a seeping a wound. Stuff leaks out and immediately I'm feeling relief. It amazes me sometimes when I just force myself to sit and type, not even knowing what to type, out it flows. Before I know it I'm typing faster and faster until my fingers can barely keep up with thoughts pouring out.

Let's be honest blog, this is therapeutic for me, isn't it? I'm an old soul. I need to write down my inner voice. The voice that should speak up and out loud more. But that's another blog, for another day.