Despite the efforts of COVID-19 and social media advising otherwise, my 5 children have officially gone back to school, face to face, after 6 months. I have had mixed feelings. After 6 months of being together, I assumed I would be exuberant that the house would be empty and quiet again, and not to mention CLEAN. There has been some of that but I've realized something about myself. When I am alone for extended periods of time, and left to my own thoughts, I can feel a sense of sadness creep in and I quickly try to shove it down, telling myself I should be happy and leaping through the house singing at the top of my lungs. Well, it just isn't so for me, at least not yet.
This is when I can wrestle with old lies and a skewed belief system that says I derive my worth and value from my works and the roles I fill. When all of the children are gone, I have struggled with feeling like I have no purpose, if I sit in this uncomfortable feeling too long I may even begin to dabble in the idea of going "back to work", whatever that means after being out of the workforce since 2005.
So, today I am wrestling with that. God you are always gracious and tender with me, and I am so thankful for that. Help me to rest in you even as I wrestle with my discomfort in these eerily silent moments.
