Today I was triggered. I have a tendency to numb out when triggered, usually by cleaning my house with a vengeance, rather than taking time to pause, reflect and process the trigger and the emotions attached to it.
Only recently have I learned that while I can forgive someone for an offense/betrayal once, I will be impacted by that offense at unforeseen moments for who knows how long, and I must stop with each impact, acknowledge the ripple effect of the first offense and forgive the current impact in the present.
Forgiveness has always been a one and done for me. As a Christian, I have believed all my life that forgiveness is a command, and it is. What I'm only now truly grasping is that just because I forgave as commanded in a particular moment, I still have to choose to forgive the consequences of the original offense/betrayal over and over and over.
Taking time to put my finger on a trigger, chew on it, think about it, own the emotions attached to it, and working it all out are not enjoyable processes. By nature and my personal worldview, I have a proclivity to shove anything and everything remotely uncomfortable or confrontational under the rug, or behind a closet door. But the past year has truly blown the door off the hinges and burnt the rug to a crisp. There is nowhere for these unenjoyable, ugly, hurtful, and hard things to hide anymore.
I am learning to be awake and present to myself.
I am becoming fearlessly authentic, what Jesus created me to be.
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